For when you are feeling like you are teetering on the edge of it...
By Carolyn Shields
I was slouched in the back pew of St. Bernard's chapel last Monday, my converse up on the kneeler and my head resting on top the pew. I normally end up in this position, staring at the ceiling. During a particularly uneventful adoration, I decided to count how many family and friends could fit inside for my future wedding, because I am Woman. (One hundred and fifty. Sadly, my mom's side alone is 528 people...thank God for Plan Bs).
On Monday I was praying about pretty big, pretty typical things: employment, abandonment, men...when I realized that I was bopping my head to Thick as Thieves song Ghosts. I wonder how many times God sighs at how distracted I become in prayer, even in an empty chapel.
But then I had a eureka moment. With anxiety gnawing at me with What Is Life, I realized that I've been praying, "Lord, I will find you in the silence. You seem so far. You've left me directionless. But I'll go into the silence. I will find you."
But maybe the more valiant thing is to wait patiently for my Holy. I've always been a Planner and a Doer, so when I have no plans or when I'm not doing anything, I panic. I simply do. So since God seems so quiet and left me at this abyss of anonymity, naturally my reaction is to dive into the silence to seek Him. The plan? I have none. I don't even know what I mean by that, "finding Him in the silence," but I'll do it. And though no one is asking us to be brave or to do what scares us, I think it would necessitate more strength to remain still.
You were within me, and I was outside myself, and sought you outside myself!