The Man I Married Isn’t The Same Man I Dated

I recently reflected on Instagram how much of a rock Peter has been for me during this pregnancy, and a woman reached out and asked if I would consider sharing advice for those currently in the dating field. She asked if I identified any green or red flags when we were dating, and I’ve always been somewhat hesitant in sharing what our discernment process looked like because it’s pretty different than what I see most Catholic “influencers” advocating—plus, we were SO far from having a flawless Catholic dating relationship that who am I to give any advice?!

But Peter and I are aware that maybe unconventional (or super conventional??) stories like ours are under-represented because they aren’t “ideal Catholic matchmaking posts” kind of tales.

For example, I just read a beautiful post from a Catholic influencer on ten questions she asked her boyfriend before marriage.

“Dang, we probably should have done that,” I said to Peter after reading it. It may have saved us some bickering, hurtful assumptions and unrealistic (and unrealized and unspoken) expectations.

He shrugged. I shrugged. We still turned out pretty fine.

So if you’re someone who is currently dating or hoping to date and you feel overwhelmed by the amount of advice out there, this article may be for you…or not for you, since in a way it’s more advice. It’s easy to feel bogged down by well-meaning Catholic cheerleaders encouraging you to not settle and to keep those crazy high standards, and it’s equally tough to not constantly compare your relationship with what you see on Instagram.

I’m sharing this part of our story for two reasons, one) in hope that it serves as a reminder that there’s no one cookie cutter Catholic dating style guide out there that can apply to every single couple, and two) to take pressure off of yourself and off of him because the man you are dating now will not be the same man that you will one day be married to. Sound odd? Keep reading.

A Fight To The Altar

To be honest, I believe firmly that you won’t really know for sure if the person you’re going to marry is the person you’re supposed to marry until you are on the altar making your vows. Of course, there’s flags along the way, but the Lord asks for our trust and discernment all the way up to making our vows. Only then will we know this is the one.

It’s hard to admit, but I was terrified that Peter was going to break up with me every other day during the two years that we dated. Hearing that, it’s fair to assume that maybe this lack of peace was a massive red flag that we weren’t supposed to be together…and yet, here we are, happily married three years later. It felt like the fight of our lives to get us to that altar—it’s a lot of work, and for some, it’s an easier trek than it is for others. (Lucky ducks).

Peter and I met when I was 28, he was 29. We both had returned to our small town after years in Baltimore and Philly, and I for one was certain that since I couldn’t find a spouse in the city, my chances were practically zero now. And yet, one day, there he was (a story for another time).

For us, I think our focus during our dating years was more on improving ourselves rather than improving our relationship. Sure, we had thought we had done a lot of healing work prior to us dating but often, it’s not until you meet someone that you can begin to really unpack certain issues. (For example, I wonder what kind of new grief will emerge after giving birth to this baby after losing four babies prior.)

That’s the big thing about not dating or waiting to get married until you’re 0lder—you’re going to bring a LOT more baggage and old wounds into your relationship, not to mention you get more set in your ways and possibly more averse to change (or at least, that’s how it was for me).

For me, dating Peter immediately revealed that I had abandonment issues from a past relationship, and I had built up a huge conflict aversion habit. What if I said something that pushed him away? For Peter, dating me immediately revealed that he had unsettled trauma from his time of religious discernment, along with unresolved healing from past relationships, and he didn’t realize he had deep fears of if he was man enough to lead a family until we began to date.

Most Catholic influencers would probably cite all of this as massive red flags. “Avoid someone who has commitment issues,” they would advise. “Find a man who has found healing in God. Date a woman who is in control of her heart’s desires.”

Ok, no WONDER no one is dating right now! Because in other words, “Find someone who isn’t totally perfect, but pretty perfect.”

“Red Flags” They May Say

So for two years Peter and I grappled with our own flaws and vices. We constantly reevaluated if we should be dating, and his lack of commitment gave me anxiety like no other, and it didn’t help that I put pressure on him to decide (I was very careful to not do ultimatums though. At least I knew that much). It came to a head one year into dating when we decided to go on a break.

For one month, we limited communication to strictly one hour on Sundays. At the end of the month, we went on a Spiritual Exercises retreat. I wish I could say we began dating again with full certainty that it was the right decision. I had prayed and prayed that he would be hit with clarity and abundant peace that he was making the right call in moving forward with me. But that would be a lie.

Again, I think a lot of Catholic influencers would cry, “Red flag! Red flag!”

But we persisted. There was a still small voice that cut through our anxieties and our fears, urging us to continue healing together. And to be honest, a priest also shared with me in confession to be wary of the spiritual warfare we may be in.

A few months after our break, Peter asked my dad to marry me. I waited weeks for him to propose. He eventually shared words I’ll never forget because it’s something no woman ever wants to hear: “I was going to propose…but…” I can’t remember his reasoning, but a few days later I sat on his parents’ front steps and had the biggest meltdown. It was finally time for me to break free from the chains of conflict aversion and address my abandonment issue head on.

It was time for me to ask the sole, single, scariest question I could ever ask: “Peter, are you going to leave me?”

That’s when it broke through to Peter: he couldn’t stand to lose me. It was time to commit.

The next night, beneath a full moon and in the middle of a rosary, Peter got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. Six months later, I did just that.

Discerning the future while living in the present

So what kept us together during our tumultuous dating years? What green flags were we given as consolation since our relationship was probably darted by many, many red flags in the eyes of many Catholic influencers? Plenty. And most of the green flags were simple things—we had an amazing community of friends and family who affirmed and supported us. We had mutual interests. We loved spending time together. We had so much fun when we hung out. Our faith was solid. He made me laugh all the time, and attributes of my faith were like a balm to his weary heart.

This is where I want to tie in the title of this article, why “The Man I Married Isn’t The Same Man I Dated” because I think this next point is rarely if ever talked about when it comes to dating.

Odds are, the person you are or will date will change a LOT in the coming years and decades. That is normal. That is healthy. That is good. Divorce often happens because we fail to give our spouse the freedom to change. I mean heck, think of the person you were ten years ago—woah! I had a sailor’s mouth, over spiritualized and over romanticized everything, and had SO much to learn.

When we date, we can’t just hyper focus on who the person is at this time in their life. Again, I think Catholic influencers emphasize this too much. Of course we can’t look in a crystal ball and check out the future, but the person you are currently dating WILL change. Since getting married, I would venture to say that Peter and I have become stronger in many ways both individually and together as a couple. We had NO IDEA what was ahead of us in our first three years of marriage—his brother passing away at a young age from colon cancer, four miscarriages, my mom’s cancer diagnosis, two of my grandparents passed away—not to mention the myriad of marital issues that every new couple has to navigate, like HELLO COMMUNICATION.

Of course, pre-Cana and having those tough conversations ahead of marriage are important. (One of my favorite points is from Catholic influencer Emily Wilson Hussem who said something along the lines of, “A very important question to ask your fiance is, ‘Is there anything I should know that you haven’t told me yet?”) Healing is important, but don’t expect to enter into marriage totally healed with all issues resolved. Marriage is going to shine a dang spotlight on things you missed!

When we got married, we both had full confidence that we would draw one another closer to Christ. We knew as we exchanged our vows that sanctifying grace would now accompany us as we journeyed forward. We could never continue on as we were without it. We knew that we would want each other by our side during moments of hardship and suffering.

What we didn’t know was how much we would change in the coming years.

The Necessity of Change

Peter could never do what is required of him now when we were dating, and I was simply not the woman back then that Peter needs today. Experience, time, and above all suffering has changed us. Thank God. And we will continue to change, God willing hopefully mostly for the better! Every day we grow into the person God is calling us to be.

And we will never know what’s ahead. Addictions happen. Trauma can hit out of nowhere. Old wounds resurface. Crises emerge. I write this to take the pressure off when it comes to dating, even though it may sound daunting. We simply will not know the full extent of our spouse’s character until we are holding their hand as they take their final breath—but we can get a firm glimpse at it when dating. And, of course, the extremity of this situation is annulment, a process I pray you never find yourself in. (You can learn more about annulments here.)

I fell in love with a young, vulnerable man who was paralyzed in discerning God’s will, but who still managed to woo my heart whenever he skateboarded and made a room belly laugh with his Chased-Down-A-Robber-After-Being-Held-At-Gunpoint-Batman story. Peter fell in love with a young woman unmarred by child loss who wore innocence like it was her armor. We were carefree, silly, insanely dramatic (oh youth!), and healing. Today, we are more united (#samename heyyy), so much more grounded and stable, with thicker skin and mutual experiences that are equal parts comedic and heartbreaking.

Time changes us, it’s true. But who we are at our core stays true throughout our life. Though I am nowhere near the gawky teenager I once was, she’s still a part of me today. The 29 year old man I fell in love with is still deeply part of the man I wake up to each morning. And in another ten years, when I’m a middle-aged woman with lots of littles, and I collapse into bed in an irritable mom-esque mood, I know with certainty that Peter will look at me with the same love that he had for me on our wedding night.

Each day Peter grows closer to Christ and brings me along. Each day his scars fade and his confidence and talents grow. Each day his strength increases. Each day he reclaims and owns who he once was and will be and is. Each day he learns how to love me even more.

The man I married isn’t the same man I dated. And the man I may one day bury isn’t the same man I’m in love with today.

He’s so much more.