Practical Advice For Your Pregnancy After Loss
The moment the faintest little second line appeared, I broke down in sobs. Not out of joy like my first time. Not out of relief like my second time. Not out of a mixture of both like my third time. But out of fear.
I am currently pregnant with my sweet little Baby #5 after four previous losses (three pregnancies, my last one we were pregnant with our twins). And the moment I found out I was gifted with a new life again, I already felt so depleted. Hopeful, grateful, yes, but the loudest emotions drowned out what seemed to be every joyful thing related to pregnancy. I felt robbed of that joy this time round because instead of reveling in this new gift, I was burdened with the awareness that I was about to enter into psychological warfare again.
In other words, I was already so, so tired.
When I’m pregnant, my anxiety becomes debilitating at times. I spend entire days on the couch, or on the floor next to the couch staring up at the ceiling. Small triggers send me into a deep, dark spiral. I learned that I can’t trust my body (cramping means I’m losing the baby! No! Cramping means my uterus is growing!). I learned that I can’t trust my mind (Am I nauseous? Is that just in my mind? Why don’t I feel pregnant today?). I can literally only put my trust in the Lord. And that’s a really scary thing to not be able to trust even yourself.
I think for anyone who has endured a miscarriage, they can relate. But I can’t emphasize this enough: every woman experiences pregnancy and loss differently—AND, every pregnancy is different, even for the most normal and lucky of women. We may be tempted to constantly compare this pregnancy with the last, but there’s some peace to be found in knowing that simply doesn’t shed much light on how you and Baby are now. This pregnancy—no matter your past—is different.
After several losses, I’ve learned more and more each time about ways to be gentle and kind to myself during these tortuous weeks between getting that positive pregnancy test and heading to the ultrasound (and even the weeks following), and for once I can say that my past experience is actually serving me this time around as opposed to just triggering PTSD.
I pray for all the women reading this article who are also in the pits of despair, clinging to that hope that the Lord IS good and that He DOES hear you. Here’s some things that have helped me get through what I call my Purgatory on Earth, or in other words, “pregnancy after loss.”
Remind yourself that ultimately, it’s out of your hands. This isn’t necessarily easy, especially since the majority of my anxiety comes from exactly this, knowing that I have almost no control over my precious baby. Yes, we can be on top of our medications (I currently take 20 or so pills a day this time round!), and we can do all the protocol perfectly (diet, exercise, etc). We may have the best doctors in the country. But ultimately, it’s ONLY the Lord who decides whether or not this little one will live. That takes an immense pressure off of yourself. Remind yourself of this several times throughout the day.
Prayer. To be honest, prayer has been excruciatingly hard this time around. I don’t even know what to pray for anymore: health? Safety? Peace? Surrender? Life? And God has heard these deep, guttural prayers of mine time and time again, begging that He spare my babies’ lives, but He always answers them in ways I wish He didn’t. If you’re struggling with prayer this time too, I have found a lot of peace in simply attending Mass and Adoration more frequently. I just sit before the Lord, praying that His peace radiates into my skin and seeps into my bones. He is the source of All Life. Just sit before Him. That’s enough. He knows. Be still.
Share When You Want: With our first, we told everyone immediately. Then we had to “untell” everyone. With our second, same thing. With our third, we only told close family and friends. With our fourth, we told our closest family and friends, and I struggled to mirror their joy. I didn’t have much pleasure in sharing our news, and that was so hard for me. Part of me wishes I had the strength and faith to share far and wide again, confidant that God will work miracles and that we can open the flood gates of prayer like we had in the past! But this time, reality has weighed so heavily on my heart. It’s okay to share with whomever and whenever you feel comfortable. And whatever guilt you feel is so, so natural. It’s not just you—it’s just part of this cross.
Don’t Look At Your Blood Results: I remember with my second, dropping to the floor in a panic when my first HCG results came in. Now, I don’t even look at them—and I get notifications almost daily of new results. Being high risk and working with two doctors, I’ve been doing blood work about every other day for several weeks now. Instead of alleviating my anxiety by reviewing results and poorly interpreting them and sending myself into a spiral, I wait until my doctor calls me with any instructions. This has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. A simple, “Labs look great!” or “Your cytokine ratio is high. We’re gonna up your medication” is all I need to know.
Similarly, I Stopped Looking At Baby Progress Weeks: Again, part of me feels guilty that I can’t rejoice in this little appleseed, but I have accepted that if our child goes to the Lord soon, I will spend the rest of my life rejoicing in the gift of who they are. But right now, it is enough to know that they are in existence. Looking at their week to week progress can wait until I’m safely further along. Do I want to know whether Baby is a pea size or a blueberry? Yes. But not more than I want to radiate in the Lord’s peace. Reading sites like The Bump or downloading Baby Apps only feed into my anxiety when I read through sections like “Common Symptoms At Seven Weeks” and panic when I’m not nauseated yet, even though it also says very clearly that it’s perfectly normal to NOT feel nauseated and I may NEVER feel nauseated. I’ve learned over time that sometimes LESS knowledge gives MORE peace.
You Can Say No: Right now, I’m doing everything I can and really trusting in my doctors. But I’m still discerning what I choose to do. For example, my new doctor wants me to get an ultrasound every week through the first trimester, starting at week six. I chose to wait until week 7. I didn’t want to put myself through the agony of going too soon and not seeing a heartbeat if it hadn’t developed yet. I’m still trying to decide if we will go once a week. Peter thinks that would give me assurance. I think that would give me more occasions to have anxiety attacks and worry about distressing Baby. Discernment is important, and as my old boss once reminded me, “You are free.”
Work From Home: I know not everyone has this opportunity, but I decided to work remotely until at least our first ultrasound. In the past, I appreciated going into the office where no one knew our most beautiful secret, and I was able to distract myself and “turn my mind off” as much as possible (which isn’t super possible, lol!). This time, I found it has served me MUCH more to simply rest on my couch in the comfort of my home while I work.
Triggers Change: Old things that used to send me into a spiral are no longer so dangerous anymore. I mentioned reviewing blood work above, but inserting progesterone suppositories also used to make me panic, along with going to the bathroom or feeling light cramps (or, you know, not feeling light cramps). This time around, I’ve told myself I’m too worn out to be so affected by these past triggers. They’re “beneath” me now. I don’t have space for them. I can tell which ones were irrational and anxiety fueled. And that mindset has really helped! Let your experience SERVE you, not hurt you. Tell yourself, “I used to panic about this, but I now know better, and I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with that anxiety this time.”
Forget Your Budget: Again, I know not everyone really has this opportunity, but obviously I mean this within reason. Because let’s be honest: being pregnant after loss is pretty much being in “Survival Mode.” I give myself plenty of allowance when it comes to our grocery and food budget in particular. I’ll pay twice as much for the microwaveable rice over the gallon bag of jasmine rice that you cook on the stove. I’ll order a delicious salad and soup from our local restaurant if it means I can keep resting and eat better than what’s in the freezer. Maybe yours isn’t about food but something else: paying for extra babysitting, buying that pricey prayer app, heck, maybe even cutting back on hours at work temporarily. Odds are, your decisions right now will not make or break your financial situation long-term. If it may, it’s time to tap into your emergency savings. I say this to you as a loving big sister who is and has been in your shoes: do what you need to do.
Prioritize Health: My protocol is pretty different than past pregnancies, but cutting out carbs, sugar, caffeine, and processed food almost completely has helped my gut health a lot. So has walking 1-2 miles a day. Your protocol or regimen may look entirely different from mine, but knowing that I’m staying hydrated and really caring for my body through rest, diet and exercise has really served me this time around. I have come to finally confirm: it’s not all overrated.
Lean On Your Husband Even More: I have always struggled with the humility to let others help me. I’ve always hated feeling like a burden and would avoid it all cost, but this time around in my pregnancy, I leaned on Peter even more than in the past. In some ways, I had to: it was my first time having a weight restriction and he had to do the literal heavy lifting, but I was also more vocal about small things: making dinner once a week, coming to unnecessary appointments just because I would feel more comfortable with him, etc. (I know, men can’t read our minds, and we need to be vocal about ways they can help as opposed to wishing they could just freaking intuit things. It’s big marriage goals on my part to keep growing in this). To avoid giving myself lovenox shots each morning, Peter did it. One day when I was feeling particularly hormonal and overwhelmed, I simply asked him, “I don’t know anything right now, can you just lead me and tell me what to do.” (Every husband’s dream, lol). And the beautiful thing was, not only has he been able to participate more in this pregnancy, but his masculine genius really broke through. It was such a blessing to both of us. Even if you think you’ve leaned on your spouse in the past, find even MORE ways to do so now. It’s about time they learn how to do the laundry, isn’t it? (jk jk ;) )
And Of Course, My Favorite—Treat Yourself: I can’t believe I’m honestly writing this, but treating yourself is important! After blood work, go get a nice little chai latte. Spend $10 on the protein smoothie. Rent the $15 movie. Sleep in until 10am after a big emotional breakdown. Whatever way you can really and truly care for yourself during this challenging time is worth it. We’re not saints yet, even though this may make us one someday! Until then, we’re just women carrying this heavy cross. God made tropical smoothies and sunshine and new, crisp books for a reason. <3
I’m praying for you, guys. Please keep me, Peter, and our sweet little Baby in your prayers too!